Crazy, Crazier, Craziest

Posted on Thu Jan 9th, 2020 @ 11:09am by The Narrator & Senior Chief Petty Officer Sharona Deluna
Edited on on Tue Feb 4th, 2020 @ 11:00am

Mission: S2:1: Into The Drowning Deeps
Location: Canopus Station, Chief Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 2 : 12.34

Aimee was still stuck in her office with the Senior Chief. Her furnishings were against the door so her only option for a seat was her stool which was in front of the other furniture. She sat there tapping away on a PADD swiftly changing the appointment schedule so that Sharona had at least a solid month of visits. Every so often Aimee would look up from her work towards the woman before returning her gaze back down onto the PADD. All she could think about was how she kept getting into these sorts of situations in the first place.

Petty Officer Batar was also still on her mind, but at that point he was nothing more than an annoying footnote in a laundry list of incidents over the past two years. Aimee often found herself wondering how she got turned into a child, or at least gifted the body of one, this moment being no different than the others. She finally looked up at Sharona and spoke, "I don't think Bar'soon'fo'da'gree'nars, Third of his Title, holder of the lightning throne, guardian of the sacred skulls of Antiok and ruler of the world of Shishimi and all its celestial companions is coming," She said quietly.

The Selelvian, who had been at the replicator trying to get it to successfully replicate one of her native drinks turned and hissed when she heard the name. "Don't say his name! Don't think about him!"

She turned back around and removed a panel beside of the replicator and uttered a string of Selelvian that the Universal Translator refused to translate.

It came on an ill wind blowing through an air vent. A ghostly, high pitched call that echoed through conduit and vent space alike.

"Shaaaaaarona...."

The voice that had ordered the burning of the village of Ala'lapora following their decision to change their handball players jerseys to the colour mauve.
The king who had led his world into a new millennium of fashion and culture with the invention of the laser disco ball as a method of crowd control.
The man voted most likely to be poisoned to death by being drowned in mercury until he got a taste for it four years running by Monarch Magazine.
The one time companion to the Myriad known as Abboarx.
Third of his Title.
Holder of the lightning throne.
Guardian of the sacred skulls of Antiok.
Future returning ruler of the world of Shishimi and all its celestial companions.
Was coming.

Aimee recalled this one time when she was legitimately a thirteen-year-old girl and her brother thought he was clever enough to jump out from underneath her bed. At the top of her lungs she shouted a four letter word, screamed and ran away. That moment was defining for her because after experiencing the taste of bath soap when her mother punished her she swore she would never use such language. It was that very moment when Aimee finally broke that golden rule.

"What the fuck is that?" She asked bluntly and looked in the general direction of the Jefferies Tubes. The taste of soap, or at least the memory of it, had immediately returned to her. She gagged a little bit before looking at Sharona, "Well?" She asked and tilted her head wondering if she needed to try and dig out the phaser that just so happened to be buried in the pile of furnishings.

"He's here," Sharona said with a dread whisper. "He found me. It's him, you stupid hairless ape! You brought him here by saying his name! I told you not to!"

Something fell from the ceiling. It landed with a wet sound and rolled to a stop in front of the two women. It was an eyeball, optical nerve bundle and all. It's golden pupil looked out of an elongated iris, like that of a goat.

"I see you!"

Bar'soon unfolded from a ceiling tile that really should have been more secure than it actually was. he wore a beautiful grin filling out a face that had been tenderised to within an inch of someone else life by a very angry Engineering tech who needed to calm down. Though to be fair the engineer hadn't been the cause of him losing his eye. That had been the fall which the broken arm the engineer had given him had been the root cause. A fall, catching himself on a hatch cover, and opening four wrong access panels had lead to the eye voting for exploring a single's existence.

Like a balloon, the eyeball deflated into a foul-smelling puddle of black goo that began to eat away at the carpet. Bar'soon stood up, one fist screwed up and buried in his ruined socket like a child rubbing sleep grit from the corner of their eye. His cheaply replicated jumpsuit with its stylish chest-high vent where a spatula had been was still bloodied, but with new spots from the ocular damage. He pulled his fust away, and the two Fleet officers watched as like a party trick a flesh bag began to inflate and form into a new perfectly formed eye.

In fact, it made a little suckering sound as it filled out the optical cavity.

"And I see you've come to find your younger sibling to tell her the good news!" he clapped his hands together.

Forget the fact, for a moment that Sharona had called her a hairless ape, or that this thing just plopped onto the deck right in front of Aimee. Which Aimee jumped off the stool in utter disgust as the sight of it. She looked up and saw that her ceiling now had a hole, "Is there anything you two crazy idiots won't damage in my office?" She asked the two of them. "Here let me help you... Let me go make the replicator spray water all over the place."

She groaned and threw her arms in the air after she had regained her senses, "And, for starters you blob I'm not her sister I'm her Counselor I'm the station's Chief Counselor... And furthermore I'm not 'little' you useless windbag," She stated. Aimee was having a terrible afternoon. She just wanted to go take a hot bath or have a sonic shower and eat ice cream. "All I wanted was a peaceful afternoon in my office and you two nut jobs bulldoze it..."

Aimee pressed her communicator, "Counselor Paulsen to security I need you in my office... Now please!"

"Don't you know who I am!?" Bar'soon said offended, placing a delicate long-fingered hand over his...well someone could have a heart on that side of their lower abdomen.

Sharona's scream at seeing the floppy eared, blue blooded alien could have shattered transparent aluminum had she been able to do more than gasp in horror at the sight of him. "Kill him!" she shouted and ran to the replicator.

A memory surfaced about a report she had read when Ensign Jaralovich had replaced Ensign Tovor's sexual lubricant with a chemical called Resiniferatoxin. Resiniferatoxin has a score of sixteen billion Scoville heat units, making pure resiniferatoxin about five hundred to one thousand times hotter than pure capsaicin. The medical report had been grueling.

Fortunately, she was already at the replicator. "One liter of Resiniferatoxin!" She ordered and counted off the lifetimes before the musical hum of the replicator announced it had made what was requested. Without wasting another moment, she turned and threw it directly at Bar'soon's face, hoping it would cook both his eyes and his brain.

Skin blistered.
Blisters popped.
A scent not unlike caramelizing onions filled the air.

Bar'soon stood there, his face rippling as the RTX did it's best to chemically react with his skin. He licked his lips, which was an unnerving sight. He looked at Sharona.

"Is this how you traditionally serve this on your homeworld?" he asked through a mumbly mouth of swelling lips. "I do not think the style will catch on, but the taste is quite tart. I am envisioning a line of deserts, a fantastical delight for the pastry lover in us all."

"=/\=Security Central to Luetentant Paulsen, we have a Sec Team en route to your section of the Admin Block following multiple reports of a peeping tom. They'll be with you shortly.=/\="

Until she had received her response Aimee was debating on just doing an emergency site to site transport out of her office, but between the stack of furnishings and duranium, the damaged ceiling, and damaged carpet she was concerned that they would cause more damage to her office. Aimee stood there with her arms crossed watching the exchange between the two. All she could think was this Bar'soon'fo'da'gree'nars, Third of his Title, holder of the lightning throne, guardian of the sacred skulls of Antiok and ruler of the world of Shishimi and all its celestial companions was a bizarre creature.

She heard the response from security, "You may want to just have the Sec Team beam directly inside of my office," She said just as the Resiniferatoxin had been thrown onto Bar'soon. "A Senior Chief who was trying to flee from the... Disturbance piled my furnishings against the door and duranium against the Jefferies Tube hatch. I also may need an operations team I'm not able to move this furniture alone," She stated.

Aimee rubbed the bridge of her nose as soon as Bar'soon had started to critique the chemical as it reacted to his flesh. 'This thing is a complete idiot,' She thought to herself before lowering her hand again. Aimee could only stand there and watch as the interaction continued though she did wonder about that phaser again...

Sharona tried desperately to think of what she could do to undo the effects of The Knack, but that involving using it to undo the manipulation usually done. In this case, it had made Bar'soon Yada Yada The Third love her. "Look, Bar'soon. Uh, your, er, diplomatic immunity prevents me, uh, from returning you, er, affections, and you should probably forget it."

Aimee looked towards Sharona for a moment then back at the Bar'soon creature and continued that action a few times before she finally spoke. "That thing loves you?" She asked and scratched the back of her head. It wasn't that Aimee didn't understand love because she did, "Do I even want to know how you accomplished that?" She had turned up her nose in utter disgust, "You don't love it do you?" Her face was crinkled in what was an obvious level of grossed out.

"No!" The Selelvian spat the word out. "I used my species ability to try to get him out of Administration...and instead, it made him fall in love with me, and I don't know how I can undo it without using the ability again."

=/\="Security Central to Lt Paulsen, that's a no go on the site to site for the Sec Team. Engineering is redirecting all nonessential power into the refuelling of the visiting starship in the dock, and the local power grid is running light due to a heavy load on the replicator system. We have an entry team outside, but they are waiting for a Heavy Technical Squad from Engineering to come with tools. Are you in immediate physical danger?"=/\=

Aimee sighed heavily, "Well Security Central... I have what I would consider a very strange creature named Bar'soon million titles in my office along with Senior Chief didn't tell me her name and there appears to have been some sort of... Incident. He keeps professing his undying love for her or some nonsense. I'm not in any danger, but I cannot promise the safety of Bar'soon."

Whilst the dispatcher outlined the sequence of event that lead to them being locked in a room with themselves and their problems, Bar'soon had taken upon himself a thinking pose.

"My diplomatic immunity is a burden I must bear, for the good of my people you see...huum, yes I can only see one solution," he said with a click of his fingers. He pointed at Paulsen. "You are a COunsellor? Do you do Couples Counselling? I require your aid, a boon for the sake of love. I know that, with your help, we can move past the shame she will feel to be breaking the rules of her society to be wed to such an enlightened and charismatic soul such as myself."

Aimee blinked repeatedly at the question about couple's counseling, "I do couple's counseling yes," She answered him honestly though she was most certain that she would get a stinging look from the Senior Chief. "I'm afraid that she's just not that interested in you," Aimee said while shaking her head, "Perhaps you should just be friends?" She asked him, "Who knows... Maybe with time and friendship she'll stop throwing RTX at your face and wrecking offices to get away from you?"

At that moment Aimee really just wanted to be anywhere, but in her office. This was supposed to be her sanctuary just like her quarters were. But, this room was also supposed to be the sanctuary for others to spill the beans on their feelings. Now she was standing near the pile of her furnishings wanting desperately to lay over on her couch and listen to anyone else's problems... Anyone.

In a fit of desperation and the fact that the Counselor seemed to be insane and Bar'soon seemed willing to violate oaths and who knew what else, it was on Sharona to do something about it. She stared at the floppy eared alien, focused her eyes and intent on him and used The Knack again. "You will live without me, and find love elsewhere."

"But...But my Sharona?" Bar'soon said. His big eyes were filling with water, either from the RTX or from a broken heart, and all the motorboat impressions in the world would not mend them.

Aimee's eyes went wide, "I don't think he's taking the hint Senior Chief...?" She stated in a questioning and severely sarcastic tone. She threw up her arms walked over to the replicator, "Ice water!" She commanded because she had never gotten to drink that last glass of water and was desperately thirsty. And, she needed the distraction from whatever the two behind her were trying to do.

=/=Unable to complete request.=/=

Aimee grunted, "Dammit," She spun around and looked at the two of them. "Isn't there anyone of your own species that loves you? A long lost High School sweetheart maybe?" Aimee asked Bar'soon, "They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all you know?" She asked Bar'soon, "Perhaps you should just let your love die..." She suggested to him before walking back around and sitting back down onto her stool. If security didn't get there soon she was going to lose her mind...

"Die?" Bar'soon sniffed. "I am not at all familiar with this word."

"It means you bludgeon it with something until it never gets up again," Sharona offered helpfully.

Aimee stared at Sharona as she sat on her stool with her face scrunched up. "You're not... Oh you know what... Yeah that's it," Aimee said sarcastically and rolled her eyes. Security needed to hurry up and get inside of her office immediately. This was getting ridiculous and completely out of hand. "To die is to experience the end of one's life," Aimee finally, and correctly, answered Bar'soon's question. She looked at Sharona for a moment. "How did he fall in love with you in the first place?" She asked.

"I told you if you had listened," Sharona said as she put the counselor between herself and Bar'soon. "I used my species ability on him because he was annoying."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Bar'soon said, a look of disgust on his face as he looked upon Sharona with newfound eyes. "You...age?!"

"Yes," Sharona grabbed onto the disgust. "We get old. Our teeth fall out. Our hair falls out. We go blind. Then our organs stop and we decompose."

Bar'soom's face looked like it was trying to crawl up his head and retreat to the nape of his neck. Hell, maybe that was something his species could do?

:"And just how quickly does this...rapid onset of morbidity begin? Within the first millennia? Halfway through the third?" Bar'soon asked with horrified realisation.

Aimee found it interesting that Bar'soon was disgusted by this but said nothing to that effect. The Doctors had all told her they didn't know if she would ever actually age again... Bar'soon didn't know that nor did he need to know that she may be effectively immortal herself, "Well I cannot speak for her, but my species only lives for approximately one hundred and twenty or so years. And, this aging process that she," Aimee pointed at Sharona, "Is referring to begins from the moment we are born onward. At least, from a medical standpoint. Though signs of aging don't begin until after the first sixty years or so."

"Then we turn into slugs full of wrinkles, get fat and lay around all day complaining endlessly about everything," Sharona added.

"Oh my God, you would turn into my mother! Her incandescent bones will live again in you!" Bar'soon said shrilly, before gaining his composure again and looking at Amiee. He reached out slowly, and patted her on the shoulder, "You have my sincere condolences. To die without truly living, so young, barely out of childhood...you do have my sympathy."

Aimee dropped her shoulder away the moment Bar'soon had touched her, gotten up and wandered around to the other side of her office. She couldn't be sure what he had meant by barely out of childhood. "We manage with the time we are given," She said suddenly. Aimee was beginning to wonder what was taking security so long.

"Yes, incandescent bones that slowly lose their glow and go back to the stardust from whence we came," Sharona ended.

"That hardly seems like a good way to run a society," Bar'soom said.

From outside the door a heavy thumping sound echoed through the door.

"Hey howdy out there!" Said a voice with a heavy New Foundland accent. "Engineering Chief Benny Bensen out there. Gonna have you out of there in a jiffy doncha know? We'll have to cut through the bulkhead. I'd have gone through the door, but this here is one inch think poly duranium alloy. Hard stuff. Easier to go through the bulkhead. You know, it's kinda funny all things considered. If there was an explosion out here, the door would survive better than the..."

Chief Benny went silent.

"Ah...okay-dokie folks. Looks like we're gonna need to bring in a portable generator for the plasma cutters. Seems the local grid is a bit drained it seems. We're gonna be....half an hour?" there was noise, the other engineers conferring. "Two hours tops before we can cut you out."

"Bloody hell!" Aimee said and threw up her arms. She wandered over towards the bulkhead and pressed her head against it. Then Aimee gently began tapping her forehead into it so that the engineering crew on the other side would probably hear a gentle tapping noise on it. "I've been stuck in this bloody office forever because some crazy... Elf looking alien... And, this gooey whatever thing..." She muttered with each strike on the bulkhead.

Sharona started grabbing everything that she had stacked in front of the door and started throwing it aside. "Save your breath," she muttered. "Use a phaser on setting sixteen!" she shouted at the door. "Just get me out of here!"

"And me! I am Bar'soon'fo'da'gree'nars, Third of his Title, holder of the lightning throne, guardian of the sacred skulls of Antiok and ruler of the world of Shishimi and all its celestial companion's you know! I'm very important!" Bar'soon chipped in.

Aimee had stopped hitting the bulkhead with her skull when she saw the two of them throwing her furnishings this way and that. Operations was going to have to fix this place up before it would be usable again, but Aimee did what the other two were doing and began to dig out the door. "Once the furnishings are off the door..." She muttered under her breath, "I'm going straight to my quarters and taking a long hot bath," She concluded.

A ping came from Amiee's terminal.

Dr Vissla had arranged an appointment for her to interview one of the Marines.

Aimee heard the terminal sound and walked over to it, "I'll return shortly," She read it then groaned, "Of course this would be today instead of tomorrow..." She muttered under her breath before responding back to the message. Her response was simple the meeting couldn't happen in her office for obvious reasons and as soon as she was out of her office she would come to meet with the Doctor.

Sharona tossed the last item out of the way, that being the chair, then pressed the door panel to open it. "Was that really so hard to do?" she hissed at the Engineer standing there.